First of all i want to thank you for taking the time to check out my very first blog in the AskRo Davis series. This topic of love is complex and so fundamental to every aspect of our lives that i wanted to give it an entire week to really breakdown down the topic…point by point…so that we can make some serious progress individually and collectively in this area! Here we go…Whats love got to do with it? It actually has everything to do with it…it being this seemly endless cycle of failed expectations and disappointing results in this area! For me on a personal level I understand this topic all too well because I have had my own share of failed attempts. Its very frustrating and time consuming when we don’t have this area of our lives in order. Its crazy how we can have all of these things in order; career, house, nice cars, lavish vacations etc…yet we say to ourselves…God why cant you just bless me with this one thing! The truth of the matter is that there is really nothing left for God to do in this area, He has already done it so it is now up to us to make it happen for ourselves!
The first problem that ive noticed, and this is major…all of us have a different definition of what love is! We really. as important and fundamental as it is to our long term happiness, have never really determined what that actually looks like in reality! We are relying on a feeling to sweep us off our feet into a wonderland of bliss. The ironic thing is that that actually happens but we aren’t able to sustain it for some odd reason! Here is why-In truth…most of us have a very dysfunctional perception of love that is not only twisted but is filtered through our own history of experiences and most importantly…our own self esteem! This is why they say love is blinding! When we are in that moment of bliss we are blinded to what everybody else can apparently see so clearly! LOL. Everyone reading this blog has been guilty of it…we say to ourselves and even worse to others…how in the hell does he or she not see that this relationship is toxic and most likely gonna end in disaster! The writing is usually right there on the wall for everyone else but to us it makes perfect sense! This is because depending on what we feel as though we deserve and what we have experienced up until this point in our lives…if it has all been mostly negative and dysfunctional….we by way of the law of attraction will continue to attract more of what we say that we don’t want on the surface…continuing to blame others every time things don’t work out.
If you really think about it…most of us grew up in broken single parent homes, with a mother who struggled with the very same issues that we are facing today! It really doesn’t matter how much we say on the surface that we wont or don’t want to repeat or end up like our parents…usually we often do! Subconsciously we learn to imitate their behavior patterns in ways that seem different but in the end are exactly the same. its not about what we do physically…its the principle of how we operate in relationship to things that links our behavior. In other words…its really all the same thing just in a different form! We are all creatures of habit at the end of the day. Here the best example that i can think of to explain how we can get trapped into self destructive cycles unconsciously without even trying. We all know someone who has been chronically in and out of prison their entire lives…in fact according to system studies…its reported that if a person has been locked up for 10 years or more they become whats called institutionalized! This means that they began to fear freedom more than they do incarceration and therefore every time they get out of jail, 82% of the time they get locked right back up with in the first 2 to 3 years on some dumb shit that as we look from the outside looking in…we say to ourselves and others…what the hell were they thinking in the first place! This is because it is the behavior pattern that is blinding not the specific action! Love is a way of being that is expressed in everything that we do whether we like it or not…and it can translate itself into a behavior pattern that causes us to recidivate into a prison of unhappiness. WHY you may be asking yourself? Why would someone choose to get locked back up when freedom is their birth right! Here the answer…its not about imprisonment or freedom…its about their comfort zone! Our comfort zone is a way of surviving…much like you might imagine someone who is locked might develop over the years. To walk strong amongst criminals most of us would become callous and hardened to the environment if nothing else…just as a defense mechanism. Its called the ability to adapt and overcome! Now after prolonged exposure to this environment we get comfortable in it and uncomfortable in a functional one. The roles reverse and reality all of a sudden gets twisted thus blinding us to the obvious. If this can happen to a prisoner in just 10 years of prolonged exposure…what about someone who grew up in a dsyfunctional home for 18-21 years in the formative stages of our lives? We become institutionalized into unhappiness and failure! We want things to change but wouldn’t know how to act if they did…or more importantly…we don’t know how to act in order to create the reality that will make us happy…so what happens is this…even if we meet a person that could make us happy, we will most likely sabotage it until we are right back where we started! We cant see that were really to blame…and we will most like blame others for making us unhappy…just like most criminals will blame the system for locking them up! Its not so much about the system as much as it is about the system of our lives and mindset.
The question now becomes…how do we break this pattern? In order to do so we’ve got to even deeper so hold on to your seats and walk with me! To change any behavior we have to understand how the mind works…at our core we must understand that it is about our associations and how we define love. Understand this principle…human beings will do more to avoid pain than we will the desire for pleasure! Most of our experience with love has been good at first but ended in pain! Therefore in an effort to protect our very being and fragile hearts…we have associated extended love with pain! Therefore when it feels too right…something kicks in called fear and we start sabotaging the relationship so that we can get back into our comfort zone. While we want the pleasure of true love…we would rather take a dose of this pain upfront than to get sucked into an even greater perceived pain at the end of the day because in truth we cant even visualize a continuous stream of happiness! Most of us have no experience with it for any significant period of time. Its sad but the truth! So step one is to really think about how we have and what we have associated love with in our heart of hearts…if that association is negative then we must reprogram that core thought or we will keep destroying our relationships unconsciously! We have to understand this…while love can hurt…it can also heal and lift us up! it is our birthright to be happy…not sad…therefore we are living other than Gods true intention for our lives!
Next we have to be willing to step outside of our comfort zone so that we can get it right…even if this means giving up being right! Remember… To have something that we have never had…we must do something that we have never done! That something might simply be…forgiving a person when they screw up or for once in our lives we give the other person the benefit of the doubt in situations where we feel like were both right and justified in our stance!
From there we have to be willing to endure the process called love! I want to take the liberty and redefine our expectations in this area! We have been misled by Hollywood and romance novels to think that true love is an emotion only…something we feel rather than something we earn as a badge of honor for sticking through until the end! Breakdowns create breakthroughs! we must always remember that! Sometimes people come into our lives to give us the standard of what we will and what we wont accept! Learn to move on without malice…forgiveness is not so much for the person…its for us…so that we can love again! we owe that to ourselves to get up and keep trying no matter what or how many times we fail!
In the end….what is the definition of love? The answer is this…its relative to each one of us as individuals and therefore unique! this is why we will never understand why this or that person stayed so long in something that was obviously not healthy! Now this brings me to my final point…Before we decide to fall in love or even if were already in love…its important to take an honest look at who we are and and make the decision that despite the fact that we’ve never experienced it…we definitely deserve to have it…it is an inalienable birthright to all of us no matter how much we screw up…we still deserve it! We must also accept the fact that Nobody can really make us happy…that’s something that we have to seek within…once we feel deserving and love ourselves enough we will only attract people in our lives that compliment our core belief and self worth! Nugget…The people in our lives that are close to us are really a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. therefore there’s no sense in pointing the finger and blaming them for our unhappiness…at best they are just the messenger helping us to see our true pain or joy on the inside made manifest! True love is closer than we think…in fact its just a choice and a journey away! I hope this first blog has been both informative and helpful~ Thanks for this moment…what are your questions or comments! I live on your feedback…Ro…NO CEILINGS!